Infertility & Me

At the age of 16 I found out that I was pregnant,I was over joyed because I was going to bring a new life into this world but scared at the same time. I was too young to be a mother & the father turned his back on me to raise the baby by myself. In 1996 a pregnant teenager was not sociably acceptable & this caused me to stress out so badly that I had lost my first baby to a miscarriage. Five months later I got pregnant for the second time, this time the father of my baby was more understanding & he stayed by my side through the whole matter. At seven weeks along I found myself in more pain than I had ever experienced in my short life , pain so bad I had doubled over & passed out. That night I found myself in the hospital to find out what was wrong with me ( I had no clue I was pregnant ) , only to find out I was pregnant & the doctor had to do an emergency surgery on me. He walked into the room & said " Well you're pregnant , the bad news is we have to go in & take the baby out now before it kills you " . He then explained to me that I was going through an ectopic pregnancy & that the baby had already ruptured my fallopian tube & that surgery was the only option in saving my life.

I don't remember much about the night I had the surgery, that is after the surgery. I remember every thing that happened leading up to the moment they took me in. I remember asking God , WHY ME GOD ?!? I remember begging God to not take my baby from me, to wake me up from my bad dream. Next thing I knew I woke up in ICU , crying for water because I was parched. If it wasn't bad enough that I was only 17 years old & just lost my second child, but they stuck me on the maternity ward for 7 days. I had to wake up daily and walk 2 laps around the maternity ward. Could you imagine, being a child & losing a child and being forced to walk right past the nursery where there are new born screaming babies ?

My next pregnancy came in March of 2002, five years had passed and I was now 22 years old. I had met this guy and we was together for quite some time , by the time I had found out I was pregnant we had already split up. Once again I found myself in the doctors office , this time he did a blood test on me to test my HCG levels and told me to come back in 48 hrs to see what was going on. Forty eight hours later , he informed me that my levels had dropped and that I had experienced yet another miscarriage. By this time my heart was extremely broken & I decided to move away & try to better my life.

September 2002 rolls around and I begin Job Corps, on a mission to get my life on track. The day I began Job Corps I met a young guy that came in the same group , and we found our selves dating not long after starting Job Corps. Come late November he & I had become close & I started developing real feelings for him . We had talked about what IF we had gotten pregnant, all the while we had no clue I was already 3 weeks pregnant. I kept trying to tell every one I thought I was pregnant but no one would listen to me , the nurses station kept turning me away & refused to give me a pregnancy test. One morning I remember waking up in bad pain and bleeding again for the 4th time that month , FINALLY some one listened and they took me to the hospital in town. That is when the doctor told me that I was pregnant , I knew for a solid week I was pregnant before tragedy struck yet again.

I remember the night it happened I was outside with my boyfriend & decided to call it a night early. I was in so much pain that all I wanted to do was go inside and go to sleep for the night. Instead I found myself in the bathroom bent over the toilet with blood coming out of basically every hole on my body. The staff took care of me that night and the next day I went to the hospital where I learned I had a miscarriage. At this point the doctors became concerned to learn it was my third miscarriage & the fact I had an ectopic pregnancy before , so he began running a series of test on me. The doctor had done a colposcopy & a biopsy on my female organs , and ran a plethora of blood test on me. A colposcopy is medical diagnostic procedure to examine an illuminated, magnified view of the cervix and the tissues of the vagina and vulva. The test was inconclusive , and they could not figure out what was causing me to lose one baby after another.

Four Months later ( March of 2003 ) , while at Job Corps I received the most devastating news of my life. My mom's ex husband & his daughter came up to campus and had to tell me that my older brother had passed away , he had taken his own life. That night I left Job Corps , never to return & my boyfriend left with me. It wasn't but maybe 4 weeks after my brother passed away that I found myself taking yet another pregnancy test, the test came up positive. When the test came back positive I went to the women's clinic to be seen by the O.B.G.Y.N to see if every thing was okay with this pregnancy. Lord knew I wanted that baby more than anything.

The doctor did a blood test & the results was positive so he proceeded with an ultra sound. The ultrasound didn't show the results we had hoped for, instead of a healthy baby growing inside my womb he couldn't see the baby or hear a heart beat. Once again I was rushed off to the hospital to have yet another ultrasound done and was admitted to the hospital right away. The doctor said he suspected I was going through another ectopic pregnancy & wanted to do an emergency Laporoscapy before the baby could kill me. After the surgery I got to go home that night & before I left he said he wanted to see me back in his office in 1 week. A week later I went back to make sure every thing went as planned & to our surprised I was still pregnant. The doctor did another ultrasound and again there was no sign of a baby , he couldn't do another surgery because it was too risky so he opted for something else. He said I had only two options , the first option was to do nothing & monitor the pregnancy & risk something going wrong or I could have a shot of Methotrioxate & abort the pregnancy. I being one that does NOT believe in abortion I did not want the shot, but he convinced my mom it was the only way to save my life. The medicine they injected me with is a medication they give to cancer patients to dissolve tumors & they give it to pregnant women with high risk pregnancies to abort pregnant before it becomes a danger to their life & kills them.

I took the shot as suggested & my doctor told me to come back in a week to have test run & make sure every thing went as planned. That night I went home & stayed sick for the whole following week, the day after I got the shot my boyfriend dumped me & went back home , leaving me to go through this all by myself. A week later I end up back in the doctors office, having yet another pregnancy test done just to make sure every thing went as planned. To our surprise I was STILL pregnant, this time 7.5 weeks along & this time they could see the babies...Yes I said BABIES. One was in my uterus & the other in my fallopian tube, neither baby had a heart beat. Once again I found myself being forced to make a decision, stay pregnant and risk dying or take the shot again. I refused the shot & once again was over powered & was forced to take the shot.

From that day on I have not been able to get pregnant again & I was left with more questions than answers. I have spent the last 14 years of my life wondering WHY ME, thinking no one could possibly understand how I felt. I had no answers as to what was causing my body to reject pregnancies , or why I haven't been able to get pregnant again since my last pregnancy. I have been with my husband now for 4.5 years & we have tried & failed to get pregnant for the last 3 years we have been together. It wasn't until April 2009 that I FINALLY got some answers that I had been searching for . After explaining my situation to my new doctor she preformed my yearly exams & did an ultrasound yet again on my female organs. That is when she said " I think I know the answer to your problems , you have P.C.O.S " , she then explained what it was & what it does to women. Finally I am one step closer to knowing & understanding what has happened to me. It's still a battle I face each & every day but it gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone and there are people I can talk to about it.

I can not even begin to explain what it feels like to lose a child, let alone six. It is a heartache like no other , it leaves you questioning your faith, your hopes and all that is good. You watch woman after woman have a baby, you hear the sounds of baby cries, childrens laughs and to know that it's possible you may never know that joy kills every thing good inside of you. People say " It's just not your time " or " God doesn't think you're ready " or " It's hard raising a child, be glad you don't have to do it ". I'm not glad & you will never understand what I go through every day of my life.

It kills me to know that I may never be able to give my husband a child of his own, to carry on his last name. It kills me to know that I will never have another life depend on me for every thing they do, every thing they learn, to mend their broken hearts and to teach them right from wrong. Having a child is a BLESSING , if you're blessed enough to have a child, I hope my story puts what it means to be a parent in prospective for you.

Thank you.......Till next time , the journey has just begun but it's not completely over yet. I will continue to walk in my Faith with the Lord & I have to believe that some day my wish will be granted, even if it's not to have a biological child of my own , but that I know the joy of being called MOMMY :)

This is me

Have you ever found your self stuck not having anyone to talk to, no where to turn and yet you had so much to say ? That is exactly where I am right now in life. There is so much going on in my life , some of which some people I know can relate to , while other situations I feel completely alone on. I've noticed that if something is wrong in your life and others haven't been through it, it's hard for them to comprehend or to be more than understanding. The more you babble on to those who haven't been in your shoes, the more you find that they want to give you advice and to tell you what to do.


In my experience, I have learned some times it just helps to have some one to listen. Some one who isn't going to judge what you have to say no matter how silly or mundane it may sound. That is exactly what led me to starting a blog , because I feel completely alone in my journey and that no one gets me. It's so much easier to write down my feelings and if some one cares enough to read it, then I found some one I can talk to. I'm not here to impress people with fancy literature , proper grammar or head lines. My soul purpose for writing these blogs is to express my feelings on certain matters and in hopes that some one can relate to what I'm going through or that I may possibly help some one out in their time of need. What can I say , this is me.